It was only a couple. Not nearly as many as I plan to send, but I put aside my fear and stuck my toe in the water. I think I'll wait to hear back from these folks (or until a month goes by and I decide I'm not going to hear) before sending any others. I prefer my rejection a little at a time rather than in bulk.
They were just two emails, but each felt like a lot more than that. It was like I was electronically sending them images of my heart and soul and asking they approve them. Nothing's ever been so truly me as this book. I put so much time and energy and so much of myself into it. It's my baby--my first baby at that. To have someone say no thanks to that is a daunting concept. I'm as scared as I was while waiting to find out if I'd gotten my National Board Certification as a teacher. I didn't get that the first time and literally spent the next 12 hours in bed.
But I did get it the second time and remember hugging everyone I could--even strangers--and being beside myself with excitement for days. To even get a request for a full manuscript, I suspect, will feel just as momentous to me. To have someone say I'm interested seems like such a personal affirmation that I'm not sure how I'll react if it ever happens. When. When it DOES happen. Maybe if I pretend to be confident long enough, I'll actually start feeling it.