How Do I Write Effective Dialogue?

I got this question at my most recent reading and my short answer was that I'm not sure I do, at least in terms of writing that is ever going to be commercially viable. And that's because my dialogue apparently doesn't follow the rules. I tried following the rules for exactly one book. I didn't like it and it's strongly my sense that the people who read the book didn't like it. I got that sense when they said, "I didn't like it."

Let me back up a little. As you may or may not know, before I went independent I had dreams of going old school, legit, agented publishing with a publishing company. When I finished what I thought was the final draft of Harsh Prey, I started querying agents. I did that for two years, sending out multiple queries every month. Not a sniff. In fact, I literally got one actual human response. Every single other one was the dreaded auto reject that any aspiring author can practically recite from memory: "Thank you for your excellent submission. Unfortunately, it does not meet our needs at this time, but please don't give up. It may be just the vehicle someone else is looking for."

But like I said, I did get one human response and it was a highly encouraging one. It was actual
extemporaneously composed words from a human being who clearly had read the excerpt that I had sent. She spoke specifically of characters and scenes. A New York literary agent actually read something I wrote. She said she liked Harry and his voice but I needed to work on pacing and dialogue issues. That was great! I mean, it was terrible because I had no idea what she meant by that, but it was great because it was actual direction from someone who worked in the business. By the way, she also said I should feel free to re-query when I fixed the problems. I did. No reply at all. Not even an auto-reject.

So I found someone who knew what the agent meant: an editor. She explained that I was using too much detail in my descriptions, that people didn't want to know every single object in a room. And she said that my dialogue was too long too. She said that in commercial fiction, dialogue is chopped down and doesn't sound like people really talk at all. She said the idea isn't to re-create the way people actually speak, but instead is just to convey information and allow the narration do the heavy lifting. For instance, in some scene, I may have two people eating dinner and my version may look like this:

"Could you please pass the salt?"
"Here you go. You want the pepper too?"
"Sure, thanks. So, did you have a nice day?"
"Well, it started out rough, but yeah, it ended up great. That client I've been working with finally green lighted my proposal."
"Wow, that's fantastic! I'm excited for you."
"Thanks. I'm excited too."

The more commercially viable version makes the characters sound like Tonto to me:

"Pass the salt?"
"Pepper too?"
"Sure. Nice day?"
"Started rough. Got better. Won an account."
"Fantastic!"
"Thanks."

That is what a lot of commercial fiction dialogue actually sounds like, but I wasn't comfortable with it. I wanted to be commercially viable, though, so I gave in to the man, so to speak. Lots of short, terse, clipped dialogue that made the characters sound like they were only budgeted so many words a day and they didn't want to pay for overages. I chopped a full 12,000 words from my original manuscript. I had to admit that the pacing was a lot better. The story clipped along now, whereas it kind of sauntered before. But I still didn't like the dialogue. It just didn't fit my style. I'm a dialogue guy. I will often take a scene that was mostly narrative and convert it to almost all dialogue. But that's how it finally went out when I finally decided that two years of querying was enough and went independent.


People seemed to like it okay. In fact, some people really loved it. But the main negative comment (other than embarrassing proofreading errors that they pointed out and have since been fixed) was that the dialogue just didn't ring real. It was too short and clipped and terse. It didn't sound how people talk. So I went back and re-wrote all the dialogue in Kisses and Lies that I'd already written and made it the way I was comfortable with. I used full sentences and, in many cases, let the dialogue tell the story, while giving the reader a real sense of who the characters are by the way they talk. And the dialogue, especially between Harry and Dee, is my favorite part of all of the books. I hear the conversations in my head and record them verbatim.

Does that mean I'll never be commercially viable? Maybe. Maybe even probably. Will I change it? Probably not. If I got an offer from a publishing house that said they will definitely publish me if I alter it, I guess I would have to consider it. But I wouldn't definitely say yes unless their offer had a lot of zeroes attached to it. Like I said, Harry and Dee are two of my favorite people, real or fictional. And one of the things I love about them is how they speak with each other. It would be awfully hard to give that up.

So what do you think. If you've read my books, which version do you like best? I'd love to hear from you.

A Fun Night And Some Good Questions

As some of you who follow me on social media or just know me in real life know, I was the featured artist last night at the monthly meeting of a poets' group that meets at Serenity Coffee House, a neat local place. I spoke, read from Dawn of Grace, and answered questions. When I was finished, I sold and signed some books. It was a really successful evening and not just because I made some sales.

The audience, made up of four people I didn't know along with three I did (shout-out to my cousin Joyce and two of my students who came to see me), was really appreciative. They laughed when they should have and one or two times I even heard some quiet exclamations of surprise. And when I was finished talking, the four folks I didn't know, who turned out to be the regulars, all asked wonderful questions. One asked if I did research before I wrote because the events and procedures I describe in the book seem so real. Another asked how I pulled off such good dialogue. Those questions had some pretty big compliments in them, things that all authors love to hear. But I thought their questions were worth discussing.

The short answer to the first question is yes, I do research. A lot of the time, that involves web searches that might make the FBI question whether I'm a serial killer. But when I want to know how the cops do stuff, I use my handy dandy cop down the hall, Chris Morehead. He's the Prevention Resource Officer (PRO) at my school. He's a regular city policeman, but his main beat is Parkersburg High School. So if I want to know police procedures or what a cop would do or even how a cop thinks, I ask him. He's been an amazing resource. For instance, in Dawn of Grace, I needed to know how a Parkersburg cop (Chris said they don't mind being called that.) would reach out to police from another city to find out about a case. He talked me through all the channels and permutations. He told me things I never would have considered. It was invaluable. And he's been a resource without even talking to me. Just watching him--how he moves, how he interacts with people, the difference between regular everyday Chris and Chris in cop mode--has helped me feel like I'm portraying police in a clearer and more positive light.

And the short answer to the other question is that in order to write good dialogue, I spend a lot of time eavesdropping. Just listening to how people speak to each other helps me to write realistic conversations. Ironically, the one piece of professional advice I ever received was that my dialogue needed to stop sounding like real conversation. It should be clipped and quick. So I did that in my first book, Harsh Prey. It didn't feel right. The book didn't sound the way it should to me, but I went on because the pros said I was doing it how I should. But then I decided that, since I'm publishing these things on my own, I don't need to answer to anyone, so I can write the dialogue the way I want. And behold, everyone who read both books said the second was way better, in large part because the dialogue in Kisses and Lies sounded more real. You could actually hear the voices of the characters. You see, my writing is kind of dialogue-driven, whereas some other writers are more into narrative. When whole long sections of the story are dominated by dialogue, I think it's just wrong to make it sound like it's between Tonto and the Hulk. And my readers seem to agree.

So those are my writing tips for today. Make friends with a cop and write dialogue that doesn't sound like it came from a caveman. Hope you found that helpful.