I've had my coffee and breakfast is over. It's been a quiet, contemplative morning. It will be followed by a busy day and busier evening. I treasure these quiet alone times when my body and mind can relax for a bit. But contemplation is a two-edged sword.
On a positive note, I was reminded today just how thankful I should be that I teach what I teach and, even more significantly, to whom I teach it. I give my AP seniors a hard time once in a while for being irresponsible and forgetful, but I got a dose of harsh reality this week when I gave our state's beloved high-stakes test (please read that ironically--all parts of it) to a group of freshmen. By the end of the afternoon, I felt like I'd just spent three hours in an ape enclosure at the zoo. The next morning, all I wanted to do was hug every single one of my kids. I complained bitterly about having to give this test the week before the AP exam, but, as usual, God has a plan and I came out both admonished and grateful.
On the other hand, this week marks the beginning of a process that will forever change who I am and, I believe, how many people will view me. A handful of family and friends know what this is and, without exception, the people I love have been nothing but supportive and caring through the many months that have led up to the decision that my wife and I have, with great pain, made.
It is at quiet times like these that the impact of our decision is the greatest. I am reminded of how utterly inadequate and self-centered I am and I wonder if I've made the wrong decision. Can I take it back? Can I miraculously somehow instantly become a better person? Yes, there is a way that could happen, but it seems that, by this point, God would have worked that miracle if He were going to. I've waited and prayed for it for almost a year now and it's time that we move on with our lives. While not discounting the possibility that a miracle may still happen someday, we aren't going to put everything on hold until it does.
One thing that I have definitely learned is that I have amazing loved ones in my life. People who do whatever it takes to support me and make me know I'm valued. For that I am deeply thankful. Another thing I've learned is that I deal best with stressful situations in exactly this way--by writing. I don't know how I coped in the years before I took this up. Poorly, I think. Writing is breathing. Writing is thinking. Writing is growing.Writing is praying. Without it, I am convinced I would wither and die, at least spiritually and intellectually.
Isn't it amazing how much they grow in four years. Imagine if we accomplished that much growth every four years we lived.
ReplyDelete